Hello friends,
Its really a long time when I posted my last thought. What am i thinking that when peoples are happy ,they are busy in doing so many things.But ,when peoples are sad ,they tend to write their thought in some place ...may be in own diary or some other personal area like blog.....hhhhh ,who never published to anyone.
it is just the feeling, which was going on their mind and heart but sometimes they don't want to discuss this with anyone.it depends on peoples.
I was born in a family whose caste is low.........low in the sense, Scheduled Caste.
I never thought of this in my past 27 year of life, That I was born in this caste. I never felt regret about this in my life till today. Or even I will not feel any regret in future as well. Because I know that I am born in very good family who has very high thinking and values. We never live a dual life where people want to progress in all area but when it comes on caste their thinking is always very very low.
Last year, 2011 is going good for me. I was very happy in my life with friends, family and roommates.
but somewhere in the end of this year......I was feeling something in my heart ....that is for sure LOVE LOVE and only LOVE........At this time ,I was very happy ....I never ever felt this before in my life. We both were very happy, we shared so many things between us.We planned to marry as well, we did many promises as other couple do.
But you will never be happy for so long....as you never be sad so long..hhhhh, just a balance in life.Make a promise is very simple but keep the promise alive is very difficult. When it comes to take a stand against your loved one( of course so called family). It is not a easy task....i felt this many time when I used to talk her. Every time when her family forced her to leave me, just because of my low caste, she was confused that what should she do. It was not like she didn't love me but she was little afraid to go against their family.....What I analysed about her that she is getting influenced very soon.And also, she is not able to handle pressure as well. Her mind got stuck when she had been running lot many thought in her mind about me and her family.
This time is very bad for me.....I used to live alone sometimes, I didn't want to talk with anyone. I didn't want to think about her but this was not in my control.....I was not driving myself , it was my heart who was driving me at this time.I was feeling very bad as all of my dreams were getting ruin by her attitude....I gave her many chance and also let her make understood about her nature.....She is very image conscious and also want to think herself only. She understood and promise me to change herself.
One good thing about her is that she know that she may be wrong in some place so she tries to understand things.
Phase is going on, lets see what would happen next......Still, I am waiting for her to come back.........
8 days has been passed but still she was not talking to me as she talks before. We had stopped walking in lunch time. In the morning time also ,we were not having the breakfst too. I didn't know the reason that why was she behaving like this but only,I knew one thing that I was not good at all. I was sleeping very early and I was not interested in talking to other.if anyone wanted to talk with me, I was not interested. She used to say "khush Raho Yar" but please someone make her realise that how can I be happy without her. I am writing this again on holi , 2012. I was in my hometown . My holi never went like this before. All day I was remembering her, I was waiting for her call or sms but she did not call me whole day. In every 15 minute I was checking my both cellphone but I never found any sms from her.I was feeling pain inside me. I want to be happy with my family but I was unable to make myself happy. I am also thinking about my holiday and I am scared to think, how will these day pass. Now I am also scared of weekend. Whole day I did not do anything except to remember her. The time is 6 PM. May be she will call me . I am waiting again.......
what is this ? What is happening with me ? Sometime, I was thinking, how do a person become so important to you that you cannot forget that people. Whenever you will be free or even doing some important work but you can not let your mind free,that is , not to think about that people. Would I be happy in near future? Would she be happy ? Big question for me ??????
If yes, than why did she do this to me ? I remembered one thing .I told her when we were in a very good relationship .Where, we both decided to marry each other. I told her that if you love someone tell them and if not than also tell them ,it never hurt a people to hear NO but it really really hurt after being in relationship for 3-4 month ,you say ,you are unsure. Unsure for what?
Did I do something wrong ? Or she found something wrong in me that is still a mystery for me. But I want answer of this question. It is really a very important answer for me......what I think my caste is a very big question for her. But I never thought that she will back off because of this reason........let me again wait for her answer.......She did not call me whole day. I was stopping myself not to call her , cellphone in my hand, thinking of calling her and finally, I called her, she picked my call , but i did not know what to do. We talked little. Again my day was not good....I do not know when will i be happy ??
Today 24 march 12. I am lying on my bed and thinking about her and at the same time ,my eyes is going wet ,whenever I thought about her I feel very pain inside me. Today almost one month has been passed and still she is on the same track. Two days back she was saying that she wanted to talk to me face to face,why ? Don't know . And after that she did not call me from that day.Also, I didn't call her because I was hurted alot when I called her last time one week before. She said "I used to afraid to pick your call and you are pressuring me by talking like this". I just told her that I am not good at all. I was trying to stop my self not to talk her like this , I wanted to talk her normally but I could not. Because I am deeply in love with her. Still don't know what would happen.....but I m not positive that she will come back but my heart is still waiting for her to come back in my arms. Is it so simple to forget poeple to whom you are in love? She is pretending to me that she dont know what would she do? But I am sure that she dicided to leave me but the thing is that she is doing it in different way by saying that give me 1-2 month after that she will tell me that wheather she want me or not. But what I believe that she gave me this 2 month to forget her and after that when she would say no to me that I would not react much. This would help her alot. Sometime I felt very bad when I recall her statement ,she said once "please dont spoil my future by using some memory of our relationship" . This hurted me alot. Actually , I forgot that how many times she hurted me. And ,also I dont want to remember those heart hurted statement. Now I think, I should stop writing for today. Lets wait again if some good thing happens today, 24 march 2012.
