Last Letter which never goes out of my email.....

Shikha, me samajh nahi pa rha ki me ap par gussa karu....ya apko maaf ka 

du...

I am confused about you now. Kabhi kabhi aapki masumiyat dekh kar lagta hai 

ki jaane do. if i will do the samething as you did..phir to mujhme aur aap me 

koi fark hi nahi raha...Ki jab tak matlab tha to sab acchha jab koi matlab 

nahi tab sab kuch aaise chhod do ki ab us insaan ke khushi aur gum se koi 

matlab nahi....then why should i respect you?

Phir lagta hai ap itni bhi masoom nahi ki ap ko pata hi nahi chala....ki 

hum kaha tak involve hue hai....

Pyaar karna koi bacchho ka khel nahi....jab tak mann kiya khela aur jab 

mann bhar gaya to jaane do.........ohh..sorry. apne to pyaar kabhi kiya hi 

nhi......this is the second thing which is paining me a lot. Were you making 

fool of me ?

First pain was that you are convinced by your family in few days....But this 

is because that there were no love from your side....Thats why...

Kyoki me jitna apko yaad karta hu utna hi mujhe dard hota hai......one more 

thing....apne decision ko apni family ki aad me mat chupao.

Humari aajkal ki generation aise hi ki agar hume kuch karna hai to hum 

karte hai....and you are convinced by your family because you wanted to 

convince yourself somewhere.

Me chah kar bhi apko bhool nahi pa rha.....I know time is a very good 

medicine.....It lets you forget every pain.... But whenever I will recall 

you in my future ....you will not come in my mind with some good 

memory....that will make me ashamed ......why did I fall in love with a 

girl who does not know about herself. And even she does not understand the 

feeling of love.

I will not able to make myself positive about you after trying a lot. But 

I Know ...apko isse koi bhi fark nahi padta...aur na padega future me..... 

you will be busy in your life with some new emotional fools. But somewhere definitely 

it will make you little unhappy that you broke someone heart.

Trust and love ..aise hote hai ki aap inke sath chaho to zindagi ji sakte 

ho....aur chaho to zindagi tod bhi sakte ho......

I never thought that you will also become a Delhi girl who does not 

have any feeling for others. They just enjoy the company of others....and 

when it comes to make a decision....it is worthless for them.

Ap baate to bahut badi badi karti hai.....but jab karne ki baari aati hai 

to ap sabse pahle muh chhupati hai....And the same attitude you showed in 

office........Sometimes you behave like this you are stealing something 

,when you used to talk your manager too.....

You never made any decision in your life till now......and you will not 

make any in future as well ,there are four people who are running your 

life.....and in future you will run by other persons..

What do you want to become ? .... A machine who does not know 

anything....other peoples are driving it. 

If you will follow the same attitude ,you will never make any decision and 

you will not feel proud on yourself.  And now this is very difficult to 

change......I know everything can be change.

But it depends on the person....who has attitude to fight after loosing a 

games 100 times. Can win the game too one day....But a person who will feel 

tire after 1 or 2 game will never ever win a game.

 I never cheated anyone till now and also will not cheat anyone in 

future...Because I know what I am.... But you will not be true in your 

coming life too.

Because I know you will never tell the truth to anyone about your past. And 

even if you will tell you will not make them convince that what r u saying 

is right ....

Also I came to know recently....that you had wasted your one year...How could 

you say that.....then I thought little bit and realized that you can say 

it.....because you really mean it. WASTE.

If you were in love with me then definitely you did not say that. What can 

i say....I had hundreds of example which shows your selfishness. And Now as 

well, my statement is correct which i told you when we met last time in 

Shipra , when you were leaving that I tried many times to keep our relation alive but if anytime I would 

become little disappointed  then, will you try to keep the relation alive 

?....at that time you smiled and say....YES. :)

And Now I am finding the meaning of that..... YES. What does actually mean 

? Is it positive or negative.... 

I remember one more moment.....when I asked you ,will you go onsite for 

long term alone ? At that time you were also confused ,what would I say to 

Dhirendra ? You gave me diplomatic answer...but I was expecting you to say 

NO....May be in future we can discuss on it. but at that i was expecting 

No.....without thinking anything. But you broke my heart.

One more thing I did not know which you tell me.....I thought that I was 

very emotional toward any close relation whether it is friend, parent and 

you. But you told me that I am EMOTIONAL FOOOOL....Good....you are right 

that's why I will not forget you in future as well. Because that is my 

nature and it will not change very easily too like yours.

Main apko apki kamiya ginaane ke liye nahi kah rha ye sab....But  really I 

never expected this kind of behavior from you....

I dont know ki main kab tak apki respect kar pauga.......shayad tab tak jab 

tak mera pyaar apke dhoke se jyada hoga......aur uske baad .............

You never tried to talk .....you only came to me just to delete your 

memory....after that u never tried( I know u asked twice for tea. But that 

was not from your heart, you were doing your job.Ab ye mat kahna ki main 

galat samajh rha hu....because after that you sent me a email "ab mujhse 

future me mat kahna ki me cheeze normal karne ki koshish nahi 

karti"....these lines show that u were just doing your job.). Ab me apse 

kyo ye sab kah rha hu.....jiska apko koi matlab nahi. But mujhe 

hai.....maine kabhi apni life me koi aisa kaam nahi kiya ki mere peeche koi 

bhi meri burai kare......I did not like it. Aur phir mere liye ye bahut 

muskil hai ki aap mere peeche mujhe kuch galat samjhe.....maine kabhi bhi 

aap par koi doubt nahi kiya.....maine aapse pyaar kiya but apne kya kiya ye 

apko aur mujhe dono ko pta hai......

Practical hone ki baat karti hai aap....main bhi kum practical nahi.isiliye 

apke shaadi na karne ka decision, phir normal baat na karna....everything I 

accepted. But I will not accept your lie. I will not accept your words "ki 

hum dusro ke liye bahut kuch kahte hai but jab baat apne par aati hai tab 

hum kuch aur hi hote hai...."

This is not my nature...I am not like u. 

And one more thing that i though few days back.....you said NO to me on 10 

Sept. but from when u were thinking to say these things to me. I dont think 

u decided this in just one day(but aap kar bhi sakti ho)...i think this was 

started somewhere between 15-20 August. uske baad aap sab ne milke mera 

acchha bewkoof banaya....sabse jyada apne....u decided to leave me...and u 

keep saying to me that when will u talk to my family....

Currently what are you doing in office.....you changed so much....you leave 

office early most of the time...

when you were with me, you felt little uncomfortable to leave the lunch table 

early....but now you come and leave alone after having your lunch . you don't 

bother what other think about you. you just wanted to  make yourself 

comfortable. Now I am force to think your jiju's statement....that you are very 

selfish. you used relations for your benefit. When you need them you are very 

sweet but when you don't...you don't bother for them...

I don't know what I have written till now and for whom because who should know about all this ,will never know about it ? I know one thing that I am not feeling good....I am feeling like badly cheated by someone ,someone very close to me ................

REST IS A HISTORY NOW.... 

What Is True LOVE !! SEARCHED ???

More than 2 Year..........

Two year has been passed away but still I did not forget her....I don't know what is it now. But people say it is called love and I believe in it so. Its not like I never seen any other girl in this period of time. but still I always saw her face everywhere. She has made a place in my heart so deep that can not be filled by anyone else. Many times, I tried to anger on her but never succeed. Just few month back she left her job, mean she is not in my team now. I did not see her, not even talk to her since she left job. Actually I was not talking to her since she left me, but still just because of  same team, I have to talk but I never ever tried, It was always her, Who used to talk but most of the time it is official purpose.
I don't know what people think when they left a person like me. You promised to live together, you planned for marriage. We enjoyed very good time together. I never explore the world like before.It was her who made my life very beautiful, Today also when I recall those days, I feel very good that at least I am, one of the luckiest person on earth who got love. Not for long time but still ,a moment of true love is like a drop of polio vaccine without which you may have to suffer whole life. So, at least I don't have regret of not having that important drop of life. I had many drops of love to live many life........

May be , I am nothing for her but if she remember me somewhere in her life. Good or bad. That will be enough for me. It is really very very painful when someone who is very precious to you, will think negative for you. I hardly demand anything from her, I always used to say....."bus mere sath rahna aise hi zindagi bhai" and she always replied with lots of love in her eyes that..."I will". These two words always made me very special and lucky. I have some good memory of our past life that I used to see sometime when I feel her love.

Today Also I am thinking about her.....I am in United States since last 6 months and she is in Africa with her husband. I never ever try to contact her, may be she would be uncomfortable while she talk to me in front of her husband. As I already told you in my previous blogs that she is not good in lying and even less confident. It is very easy for others to read her face. She can't hide her feeling....

I know sometimes when she broke up with me, She was afraid of me that If I did something wrong to her. If I will tell our love story to everyone and about out relationship. And also she was afraid that If I do something wrong to myself, then also she may suffer some problem because she was supposed to be responsible for that. But I am not a week person who will either ruin his life or her life. I knew that this is her life and she has complete right to live with anyone. And I always respect to her decision but the only thing that made me cry......she change her thought. And she used to say that people are selfish when it comes to their life. The one to whom I knew, was a very nice girl who help other and was ready to spend her life with me. Now I was talking to a different girl who was just worried about her family, her sister and her so called status....

I don't want to discuss any caste issue here. Otherwise that would be be another chapter to describe her and her family's dual life.

I am 30 year old now and I am feeling this first time in my life. So, this is my unconditional love towards her and just want to let her know that still I love her...And she would always be a part of my life....no matter what she did to me and she made me feel at the last time of our relationship. I pray for her good life.....

I don't know when someone will love me as I love her............SEARCHING ???

Feeling of LOVE !!!

Hi friends,
I never ever thought of this kind of feeling. I thought as time passes , Surely I will forget her.Because, My thought was , If we broke up relationship and no longer talking to each other. We will forget our feeling with time . She is already married now. Still I am not able to control my feeling for her, My heart always thinks about her. She is normal now....As she was already normal when she broke up with me. I don't know whether she understood me or not. She would never understand my feeling ,not even she understood when we were together.

She did not tell anyone in office that she would be getting married in some months. This thing never happened in office before that someone is getting married and he/she kept this as secret. Surely I was the reason, she did not tell anyone. Also she disabled her facebook account at that time so that nobody from office would know about her engagement. I don't know really why did she want to hide this information ? Only she knows. I don't know what is this. Is this Love ?

Approximately, Two years has passed I am feeling better than before. but still she is not out of my mind. I don't know how long it will go. Lets wait for the things to be settle down for me. Hopefully in future, I would be feeling exactly same as what I felt before meeting HER !!!! Thanks to her as she has made me think in different way.

Life is what happened to you not the plan you made for yourself........

Here I would write many thing which happened to me during my so called LOVE life........That I think came to an end....How would it end, We dont know.....Let her decide. Because till now, she is the only one who was keep deciding each and everything for herself as well as for MEEEE........

Wait......Hopefully, I would have some good news for me.....I don't know when would I write my next blog about my LOVE life..

She Is Backkkkk !

Today is 16 April 2012. We were sitting in the office cafeteria. I was sad as usual. But suddenly, I heard a very good news that she decided to go with me. I was very happy at that time. But I did not know the time how long I would be happy. But forget everything. That was a golden moment of my life again that my life has come back to me. On the very next day, I have to go home for some personal work that was already planned and can not be avoided.....I was so happy that while I was on the train.I wrote a poem for her and send her at that time around midnight.........


Kai aur zindagi aapke sath jeene ka mann karta hai....
aaj to aapke sath  raat bhar jagne ka mann karta hai....
khule asmaan ke neeche apke sath baithne ka mann karta hai.....
jaise lahro ko kinare ko chune ka mann karta hai....
Waise mujhe bhi apko gale lagane ka mann karta hai.....
Aapke sath chand ki chandi me pyaar bhari baatein karne ka mann karta hai....
kai aur zindagi aapke sath jeene ko mann karta hai.....
Aaj to aapke sath jhoomne ka mann karta hai. aapke sath aapme kho jane ka mann karta hai....
Kai aur zindagi aapke sath jeene ka mann karta hai.........


I dont know what I have wriiten but she liked it. that is most important to me. :) :)

Ajeeb Dastan Hai Yeh....

Dated 11-April-2012

Again she is on the same track. In the last week from Monday to Sunday, she was talking to me normally. But after sunday evening, when we met. She was on the same track. I told earliar that she sent me a sms "what if I never get sure about you".At that time ,I asked her, did someone talk to her about me that night. She replied "NO". I listened but not agree with her answer. Because I knew that Nothing happened without the reason. And I was right. The very next day.....I asked her again and she said...."didi kah rhi thi ki apni wajah se uski life kyo kharab kar rhi ho". Yes...this was the reason why did she reply to me like this. Because I knew that when she met me..She was happy...I was feeling that she wanted to say something to me...but something was stopping her.She did not come to office on Monday...Why????? I don't know.But I know that she did not talk to me on monday too. Tuesday was also same for me.Today she was looking happy.But I was not feeling good. I was not enjoying at all.Even when I am with my friend and family then also I was in different mood. She was not going out of my mind.But Now I am realising that she went so far that I could not think about her to come back.45 days passed and she is still able to manage thing without me...And I am thinking ,when after 45 day,she is not thinking to come back then it seems impossible to me that she will come back.Each and every moment of my life, I am remembering her and whenever I thought about her..My eyes gonna wet.My heart is crying so hard.That how could a person do this to you...That first she is in love with you than after sometime she is unsure about you and even after 45 days , she is unsure....This is real shock to me....Today ,she talked to me to discuss what could be the reason for her unsurity....

...........Is caste still a curse for society ??? Continue.....

Now i made her so comfortable with me so that she can talk to me without hesitation. And i was succeeded. I was thinking that i would be happy without her but that was not true. This time again i went home on 6 April 2012. I chatted with her through sms but still i was unhappy. Because that was not a chat in which we both were involved. That was general talk, discussing some random things.

I don't know,why am i remembering the trip to the Taaj.That day i was very happy , you can say one of my best day in my life. I can not say that this is the only best day because in the past few month she did make days very special to me. When she said "I LOVE YOU"  to MEEEE on 23 Nov 2011 ,that was the biggest day in my life till that day. I was so happy ,I was feeling the luckiest person in the earth. Who was in love with a beautiful and sensible girl. Who knew how to talk people. That is one of her attitude, I like the most...

Lets move to the other side of this true LO?VE story...I put a question mark between LOVE......because there is a doubt.....Is this a LOVE story ????......As she don't know what is this feeling......

She is saying to me that she is unsure. But can u feel the real truth behind this that she did not have power to ask her parent that don't send me the biodata for marriage, at least not now ,she was receiving continuously. Reading those biodata's.I dont know what was she thinking or in which mood she was seeing all those Bio data .And when her parents asked her about her kundli ,she searched and gave to her dad.... :( :( :(
And i was thinking that she will fight for me against her parents.One side she put me in dilemma (Neither she was leaving me nor accepting me) and other side ,she was enjoying her life with her nephew, sister and her very intelligent jiju who knew everything about me ,even he did not meet me.

She did not bother about me at all. But she used to say that she care for me. But i never feel it .May be God know the way how she cares for me. May be she cares in her heart. But how would i know that she cares. I am not God kind of person.I am simple man who care very much the feeling of love. But if you love and care someone then it is good to express it, just show your care and love to whom you love and care.

Now i don't know about her but slowly and slowly i am realising that what did she want two month back . She is going to get soon. Currently i am coming back to noida, writing this while on train. We both were chatting when i boarded the train. We were chatting and discussing one thing but when she did not have answer of my question,she stopped chat and became angry. This is her habit. This time when i was in my home, i was feeling alone so i want to discuss my feeling to someone who is very close to me. And she is the only person right now. So i sent her a sms ,i have lots of things to talk to you but i cannot talk these stuff on phone or sms. I want to talk face to face. But she was forcing me to discuss on sms. I again insisted her that i can not discuss this on sms ,it is my real feeling and i dont want my feeling to discuss on phone. I was not comfortable. Then she realized and said okay. But now i dont want to discuss with her because that discussion belongs to my family and i dont want to discuss that with a ............I dont want that someone in near future would make fun of my family. I love her so much and keep loving. But my family respect is also very important to me....

I reached home......one hour has been passed. I was lying on my bed. Suddenly, I got one sms from her....."Rajender place a jao". I was little shocked but very much....because I have already shocked many times from her. So it did not make much difference to me. I replied "kya hua ?".   She again replied with her anger attitude.." Nahi ana ?"...I sent "Dhamki de rahi ho ? "... she replied "No"....Then our discussion went normal......I decided to go there...I asked where ? She asked me again "Nirula's or Mac's ? ?"....

I thought little and asked her to wait in Nirula's....A little hope was in my heart again...So I thought Nirula's is the best option for that because this is the place where we met alone first time on her birthday. :) :)

I reached there, she was waiting for me........We chatted normally....met just like a friend, discussing some random topic again,,,,She said once....."Mera milne ka mann ho raha tha..". I said "Good". We were both together till evening around 1930 hours.Then I left her to her metro station...And I came back...Her last message for that day was "ghar pahuchna to bata dena..". I was very happy again.May be some good things would be coming in near future.but.....

But again that was a myth for me.....She was looking very happy when we met...I was very positive but I don't know what happened again....I reached home around 2200 Hours. I sent her 3-4 message..but did not reply even for my one sms....I waited till 0030 hours.....Then my day was over..I sent her my last sms that is "good night :) ".......I was thinking may be she might busy after reaching home..but I woke up in the morning..I have one sms from her...stating "what if I never get sure about you ?"....I am shocked again..But not a new thing for me....I was habitual now....I replied "you are not doing good to you. And for me.I am not sure.".
She did not reply me back....And next day was passed she did not even want to talk to me that day....I sent her 5-6 message and she just replied back...with no positive energy. I was feeling that she was forced to reply my sms. So I stopped smsing to her......but before going to bed today 9 April 2012. I will send a last message again that is "Good Night :) and Take care".......So now I am going to stop here....  lets hope for the good thing....